My Life. My Blog.

 

THE DARKENED WOOD

 

I AWAKEN IN THE DARKENED WOOD,

NOT KNOWING WHERE I AM,

I TURN AROUND,

THERES NO WAY BACK,

AND SO I JOURNEY ON,

I SEE FACES IN THE TREES,

OMNIPRESENT, GLARING AT ME,

THEY BRING DARKNESS TO MY BEING,

AND TERRIFY MY MIND,

DESPERATION CAST UPON ME,

PEACE I CANNOT FIND,MANY TIMES I STUMBLE,

AND OFTEN LOSE MY WAY,

WHEN COMES THE END OF THIS DARK NIGHT,

HENCEFORTH THE BREAK OF DAY,

AND DAY DOES COME AND I LOOK BACK,

AND IN THE LIGHT OF DAY,

THE FACES TURN AND SMILE AT ME,

AND WAVE ME ON MY WAY,

THEN SUDDENLY IT DAWNS ON ME,

THE LIGHT HAS ALWAYS BEEN,

FOR WITHOUT THE RAYS OF HOPE,

THE FACES WERE UNSEEN.

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     This poem was written in my 20's in the early years of my self expression through the written word. It speaks of how after a particularly difficult childhood and also teenage years I then found myself in a world in which I would spend much of my adult life drowning.     

      I remember when I was around the age of 15 thinking to myself that things couldn't get any worse. At that stage in my life I had already cut myself on a few occasions, taken an overdose at the age of 13, with every intention of not surviving, as well as being being crippled by low self-esteem, heightened anxiety and depression too. What I didn't know then was that I was locked in a state of hyperarousal due to the trauma freeze response being active in my system and I also didn't realise how erroneous my belief things couldn't get worse would turn out to be. Yet despite all of this and so much more, that I will be gradually sharing on here, in no way do I see my journey as one of defeat, weakness or failure.     

     There is a term used by many who have faced difficult circumstances in their childhoods. Circumstances which have then had their detrimental impact on their adult lives . They call themselves survivors and although I uphold and honour their personal stories and their strength, to survive isn't where I wish my story to end. I want to thrive. I want to thrive, to shine and to rise into the best version of myself taking all the intense, difficult experiences and circumstances and utilising them as raw fodder then turning it into gold. In other words alchemy. For that is alchemy. The true alchemical process isn't an external one but and an inner process of the transmutation of base metal into gold. In other words the chakra system. Root to crown. The arising of kundalini burning through all blockages and impurities.     

     Funny I had every intention of gradually inviting you into the very spiritual side of me and keeping things more on the earthly level for now but as breaking through the egoic shell into authenticity requires courage I may as well just go for it.       Getting back though to the meaning in the poem itself  I wrote it nearly two decades ago but its now that the major karmic cycle it's indirectly referring too is closing out. What a cycle it's been. The faces in the trees speak of  paranoia and hypervigilance where everything is seen through the muddied lens of trauma. A constant state of fear and anguish as well as chronic intrusive thoughts along with the terrifying belief that everyone could see and hear them. A lot of this stemmed, although I didn't understand the connection until later, from an incident of sexual abuse violation when I was 5 years old. It was witnessed by my brother who was himself only 7 year old.  This was the original root of my fear of being seen. It was also compounded by subsequent traumas of a similar nature and the fact that people had precious little understanding of the true impact of these types of experiences. More in depth understanding is now apparent, however it hasn't as yet gone as far afield as is necessary in order to help as many people as possible and this is my way of playing my part and giving true meaning to the at times incredibly difficult first half of my life.

      My insights on trauma based on my own personal experiences as well as knowledge gained over the years is something I'll gradually go more in depth on and if your interested in seeing my first vlog then do please join me. Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this.        ​      ​​            ​​                                      ​